The end of the World as I know it – it’s the end

The other night, having finished a satisfying dinner, I sat down at my kitchen table to check my e-mails and catch up on a bit of work. My table faces the window into my little townhouse backyard, and I sat there, peering into the blackness trying to think of things I could feasibly look up on the web that would aid and abet me in my procrastination quest.

My trance-like reverie was interrupted by an unusual sight outdoors – two bright little diamonds winking at me through the window. Now before I danced with glee, and collected those jewels from outside (eventually using them, probably, to fund my travels on an archeological dig to the Middle East), I became aware that they were attached to a furry, amorphous shape. In truth, those diamonds were the winking bright eyes of a cat.

I turned back to my computer and bashed out an MSN message on the keyboard, to my cute and curly companion,

 

Fiffles: A cat is outside my sliding door, and it is watching me SO SO SO intently.

Curly: It is probably Satanic.

Fiffles: I suspect as much.

And a moment later:

Fiffles: Or it could be the reincarnation of a dead relative of mine, trying to give me a message from the other side.

Curly: Perhaps.

And a moment later again:

Curly: Either way, the safest bet is to kill it.

 

Naturally I considered his suggestion, but eventually decided to let the feline live.

But it brought to mind thoughts of general supernatural and natural eeriness. Last month there were a couple of prophecies and conspiracy theories out there claiming that the world’s end was nigh. Whether by tsunami, or general fire and brimstone I know not. However, by whatever means, judgment day did not transpire this May.

Yet wait! Let’s not be over hasty. Just because the world did not end LAST month does not in any way mean that it cannot end THIS month. So let’s add up the signs.

Well to start with, we have a demonic (or possibly benevolent) ‘cat’ making dark visitations to me at a late hour. As a result of this we can reasonably assume that I have been chosen as the receptacle of messages from the other side (italics added for ghostly emphasis). Thus it seems sensible to examine MY life (and MY life only for I am the messiah) for small inconsistencies and incongruities that may indicate global chaos.

Things I have recently seen that indicate the world is ending:

- On the way to uni the other day, I drove past a man who was walking like an ape, arms swinging gorilla like as he plowed across his lawn. Now my common sense told me that he was searching the ground for beer bottle caps and cigarette stubs after a party at his on the weekend, but luckily my doomsday paranoia told me otherwise. A MAN WALKING LIKE AN APE, PEOPLE!!

- John Howard being Prime Minister of Australia 12 years running. Has he succeeded in this term unaided by the dark arts? I don’t think so.

- And finally, as a particularly conclusive and irrefutable sign, bananas have achieved an astonishing $10 a kilo price tag. Even at a supermarket! That is a dollar a banana or more, OR MORE!! And remember, this banana extortion outrage is the result of an ominous natural disaster.

Is my argument watertight? Yes, I like to think so.

So without further ado, fear for your life.